A Painful Regret

      

Tenth grade, 2009

As I sat there in Chemistry class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called “best friend.” I stared at her hair; the color of old gold sweeping back from her face like a bird’s wings. She was always gentle when she could manage it. She was tall, slim and stately. She had cinnamon-brown warm eyes with heavy lashes. I wished she was mine. But she didn’t notice me like that and I knew it.

After class, she walked at me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said thanks and gave me a kiss on the check. As I watched her walk away from me, I wished I could tell her that I want her to know  that I don’t want to be just a friends, I love her but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Eleventh grade, 2010

It had been raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. I sat at my table finishing my homework suddenly the phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about her love had broken her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn’t want to be alone, so I did.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. I hurried and get into the train. My feelings and thought are full with love and compassion for her. But it just so hard to express it and I feel like a heavy burden deep in my chest. Only times can know when it’s going to explode.

As I arrived at her house, she stood in front of me with eyes brimming with tears. I hugged her to calm her and whisper to her ears, “It’s okay. I’m here.” As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After two hours, one Stephen Spielberg movie, and three bags of chips and sodas, she decided to go to sleep.

She looked at me, said “thanks” and gave me a peck on my cheek. My heart crave; I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don’t want to be just a friends, I love her but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Senior year, 2011

The day before a prom, she walked to my locker. “My date is sick,” she said; he’s not going to go well, I didn’t have a date, and in form one, we made a promise that if neither  of us had dates, we would go together just as “ best friends.” So we did.

At prom night, I picked her at her house. I could not take my eyes of her as she was drop dead gorgeous.  She’d dressed in the most exquisite and sophisticated dress - deep blue, frilly and off the shoulders. With her slender and stately body, that dress fitted her very well. Her dark golden hair cascaded down her back in waves.  Her smile made my heart melt and I just wished and wished that I could be brave enough to confess my love to her. But I had no guts to tell her. We went to the prom together.

After everything was over, I was standing at the front gate of our school waiting for her to send her back to her house. We took a taxi instead of train as the rain was very heavy tonight. At her door step, I stood and stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn’t think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said, “I had the best time, thanks!” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want to know that I don’t want to be just a friends, I love her but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Graduation Day

Few days passed, then few weeks passed, then few months, and then few years had passed. All I had planned to excel in prep school as student and at sports, and I did. After college and completed my International Bacchelaraute program, I had planned to go to Harvard Law, and I did. I had planned to become a prosecutor and then enter politics, and now I am. But until now there is always one thing I never succeeded yet, I never confess my love to her. Though I have everything that any man wanted, a fortunate man, gifted with genetics that, with no effort on my part, had given me intelligence, a level of disposition, and a face on which every feature was pronounced-strong cheekbones, ridged nose, cleft chin-plus cool blue eyes to make it one that people remembered and television flattered. To my natural height and athleticism I added fitness, enforced by a daily regime of weights and aerobic exercise. Still, I’ve got no guts to confront her and confess my love to her.

      

That morning, upon reaching my clean and sparely decorated law office, I flipped my desk calendar, looking past the orderly notations of the lawyer and would-be politician – the hearings, depositions,  and trial dates of a practice that commingled civil law with criminal defense; the lunches, evening speeches, and meetings of civic groups that marked the progress of a Democratic congressman-in-waiting – and lit on a graduation date. Her graduation date and it is today. I hurried grabbed my keys and headed to my brand new Rolls Royce.

 I watched her perfect body floated like an angel up on a stage to get her degree. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn’t notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, “You’re my best friend, thanks,” and gave me a kiss on the cheek. . I want to tell her, I want to know that I don’t want to be just a friends, I love her but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

A year had passed

Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. The music was louder in the hall. It floated up to the stairs along with the fragrance of a million flowers. There she was walking through the audiences towards the groom. Her skin was cream and roses, her eyes were huge with excitement and framed with thick lashes. The narrow sheath of the shimmering white dress flared out with subtly at the train almost like an inverted calla lily, cut skillfully that her body looked elegant and graceful. She was beautiful. I could not take my eyes of her. She was so perfect.

I watched her say, “I do” and drive off to her new life, married to another man. That man supposed to be me. But it was too late, she’s already belong to somebody else. My heart craves; I wanted her to be mine, but she didn’t see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said, “You came!” She said “thanks” and kissed me on the cheeks. . I want to tell her, I want to know that I don’t want to be just a friends, I love her but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why.

Funeral

Years had passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my “best friend” and my long unrequited love. At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read:

I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he didn’t notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don’t want to be just friends, I love him but I’m just too shy, and I don’t know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me!

I wish I did too…I thought of myself and I cried with full of regretfully.

                        

My Daddy-Long-Legs

To my anonymous uncle,

Hi how are you? I do not know who you are but what I know is that you are tall!!! Therefore from today onwards, I am going to call you my “Daddy-Long-Legs!”.......

It was summer again.  There were lovely patches of greenswards all about with stately trees bearing plumage sang and fluttered in the trees and bushes. Cha-Young Mi was a young woman who had lost her parents and struggling to fend for herself worked diligently on her script. Watching the pastoral beauty of Star Lake, Young-Mi never felt empty and lonely living alone in the small mill-house. After embracing the beauty of nature, Young-Mi  walked towards the Star Lake and sat gingerly down by the shore of the lake and enjoyed the majestic vista.

She was hoping to see her “Daddy-Long-Legs” who came to her assistance to pay her school and university fees. She tried to search for him but it was clueless. As she sang a melody of Howl’s Moving Castle, she holds a necklace the she had received as a gift from her beloved “Daddy-Long-Legs.”  She went to the post office this morning to send a letter to her friend in Demien. At the post, suddenly an officer called out her name and asked her to come to the counter. He took out a lovely-green box from a nearby drawer. It was from her “Daddy-Long-Legs”. Inside the box, a beautiful carved white gold necklace and a message from him to her. He wrote that she should endeavour to achieve her dreams rather than wasting her time searching for him in his elegant script.

After completing her studies and initially struggling for work, Young-Mi  eventually obtained her dream job as a program writer in a nationally-syndicated radio station. On the first day, working at the station, she was introduced to the crew and officers of the radio station by Program Director, Lee PD. A curly brown haired girl named JJong introduced herself. They became friends and worked together under a same programme. She and Jjong were in charge of evening programme since Young-Mi  was a newcomer. Since Young-Mi  lived in Cravent which was very far from the radio station, she decided to rent a house near her work place.

Luckily, Lee. PD arranged her to stay rent-free in a nice house that the owner vacated due to health reasons. Heather believed that her good fortune was the work of her “Daddy-Long-Legs” . She went wondering around the house and saw a huge portrait of a young girl. She was beautiful.  Young-Mi assumed that this girl was the owner of this house. She went to the study table and wrote an e-mail to her “Daddy-Long-Legs”.

To my Daddy-Long-Legs,

Hi, how are you? Today I moved to a new home. I even have a new friend . Oh, and starting from tomorrow my writing is goin to be broadcasted. You have to listen to it. I really feel that from now on only good things are going to happen

                                                                                        Love,

                                                                                    Cha-Young-Mi

One day, Young-Mi gave a final to her a script, her laptop malfunctioned. Luckily, she had a backup file for the script that she saved safely on her pen drive. Then, she had to use the owner of the house’s computer. Once she opened it, she received an e-mail from the owner of the house.  The e-mail was date-stamped to arrive at the house’s computer on a specific date, though it was written and sent a year earlier. The e-mail details a love story written by the unseen owner of the house.                                                                                                                                                                              The writer confessed that she had secretly been in love with a guy since her school days. In order to be near him, she worked hard to obtain a place in the same course at the institution he was studying in. Although, she did not have the courage to introduce herself, she was happy to see him everyday. The writer explained that when he got a job at an unpopular local radio station, she followed him there. However, an unpredictable mishap had befallen her; she was diagnosed with a terminal disease before confessing her love to him. The illness might cause her to lose her memory and then die. The writer’s greatest fear was not dying but of losing her memory of him, which was why she wrote the e-mail to be sent to herself in the future.

Young-Mi  was deeply touched by the story and decided to air its contents via the national radio program to locate the young man with whom the owner of the house was in love with. The story was serialized and dramatized on the air and instantly became the audience’s favourite. Meanwhile, Young-Mi  met Joon-Ho-Shi who worked as a librarian in the radio station. They had lots in common and spent their time together every weekend. Young-Mi  began to fall in love with him and so did Ho-Shi. On their first date, they went to Young-Mi ’s house in Cravent and had a picnic near the Star Lake. The date was a failure as Ho-Shi fell asleep suddenly and woke up when it was twilight.

                                                                  XXXXXXXXXXXXX

 To remember the memories I had about you I'm planning on leaving them in this mail I year later, I don't know what I'll be like.............If you see this mail, the times when I had no courage to tell you my feelings that I have cherished to myself I want to confess to you. I sent lots of e-mails to myself so that my memories of you will not fade. Yesterday, I went to see a doctor with my dear elder  brother. The doctor said he could not guaranteed of the surgery because of my condition. He stated that I can only live another six months or less and sooner or later my memories will be gone bit by bit. I can only cry silently as the fate befall me. Every minute alone in my room, I feel like drowning of bottles and bottles of sleeping pills just so I can end up this misery. I would rather die with memories of you still keep deep inside in my mind then died with no memories of you. When  I woke up this morning, after thinking all night I finally made up my mind and that is to let you go away. It was simply a cruel demand and it was like a silver shinny blade ripping and slashing my heart to pieces. I tried as hard as I could to remember the first time I saw you. As what I had remembered, the day I first saw you, you were sitting by the window on a brightly shinny day. I could feel a brighter light that the sunshine come right onto me. You were like a sun shone brightly and the only one who brings colours into the dull grey ashes of my heart was. All the memories of you; you’re lips often gave way to smiles and laughters and the most significant feature of yours is your eyes. It is a beautiful shade of blue.

Young- Mi cried and tears streaked down her cheeks without stopping after read the unrequited love.

Later, Young-Mi  discovered that Ho-Shi was the love interest mentioned in the e-mail. She decided to end their relationship, guilty with the knowledge that someone somewhere out there had been in love with him for years. She also investigated that her “Daddy-Long-Legs” eventually the radio station’s director who responsible for all her good luck. She confronted him but it turned out that the director was only acting as on behalf of his younger brother who chose to provide Young-Mi  with her school fees and asked that she should work in the radio station and his house to live in. It turned out the director’s younger brother was Ho-Shi and he was also the writer of the e-mail. Ho-Shi had switched gender when he wrote the e-mail and lost all his earlier memories of Young-Mi when they were students together and that he loved her from afar. After all this while, her beloved “Daddy-Long-Legs” was Ho-Shi and it was too late for her to realise. She wished that she could reverse time where she was in her school years and noticed Ho-Shi earlier and accept his love. Young-Mi was devastated over the truth and her world seemed to be turning upside down.

One evening, somewhere in summer, on the bench sat a lanky, less bulky man with untidy bronze coloured hair man wearing a pair of sunglasses. Under the scorching sun. He was sweating profusely and he fished out a white handkerchief from his back pocket to wipe the perspiration. Heather smiled and approached the man. She reconnected with Ho-Shi and they spent as much time together as possible before his illness relapsed. That day, both of them spent their time in Young-Mi’s old mill-house and had a picnic at the Star Lake like their first date. Unfortunately, the date failed again as Ho-Shi slept again in the middle of their date and this time he would never wake up again and he would forever stay in a deep slumber.

A year later, Cha-Young-Mi visited Joon-Ho-Shi’s grave and left a letter on his tomb.

                                      To my beloved “Daddy-Long-Legs,"

Hi, how are you? It has been a while since the last time I wrote to you. Jjong and Lee PD. finally married. They both seem to be enjoying each other company’s.  I am sure you have an enjoyable time there and be happy as always. As for me, I’ll continue working at the radio station and try my best to cheer myself up and be an optimistic. I'm feel very happy  because I dream of the day when I will meet you again and this time you will draw my self-portrait properly. I am not beautiful as the girl in the portrait that hangs on the wall of the house. 

                                                                                                                                     Yours with love,

                                                                                          Cha-Young Mi